Again!? Really...

So, I am on duty this weekend. I have a lot to get done this weekend, but I'm not in a rush. I can't go anywhere. So, no hurry.
I have a paper to write on why I chose Nutrition as my major. I know why I did, but it's hard to complete a whole paper with the story behind it. I was in culinary arts, loved the nutrition chapter, always liked to help people, figured why not?!
I mean I do have a passion for it. I love what I'm learning and how it can be applicable to my everyday life. That's great, but I am just having a hard time writing a paper on it.

So, I rediscovered the greatness that is 90s Pop Groups/Artists...NSYNC, BSB, Otown, Spice Girls, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, and even though she's not in this category of "pop", I have been listening to some older Shania Twain.
I love it. It may be cheesy and the lyrics are simple, some probably don't even make sense, but it makes me smile. I feel like a kid again, but it also makes me feel a bit old, too. It was a decade ago that this stuff came out. Goodness.

Speaking of getting older, another one of my friends got engaged this weekend. Now, I'm not going to rush off and get married because my friends are doing it, that's stupid and you shouldn't base your life off of someone else's, but come on. You can't help but feel a little pressure. Some are getting married because of certain circumstances i.e. pregnancy (and I'm not saying anything bad about it, do what you gotta do), but then others are getting married and starting their lives.

You know, when people asked where I saw myself in 5 years (age 24 or 25, I'm closer to 20 now), I would say in a career and either married or in a deep committed relationship. So, let's analyze this a bit. If I keep this goal, I would graduate next year and I would be 21. Would enter a Dietetic Internship lasting about a year, taking the RD Exam and become a Registered Dietitian by 22. That means, 2 to 3 years to get a job(that is, if I don't go back for my Master's), find Mr. Right, and possibly get married. I mean, it's not unheard of. And I don't necessarily have to follow this plan. But, I don't want to be single at 30. I want to have a family by then, or at least starting one. Nothing against those who do wait until 30, I just don't want it for myself.
I know it seems silly to have plans like this, and they aren't rigid deadlines, but I do want these things in my life.
No worries right now though, I'm not going to go out and search for that certain someone right away. I guess it's a slight fear of mine that it won't happen, that's why I have these ideas or goals.
But, congratulations to those that are getting or have already gotten married. Best wishes!

What I Want

I wanted you. But, it wasn't good enough. I wanted to be that person in your life that you could talk to about anything, the person you wanted just as much. But I know I can't make you have the same feelings for me. So, why try to change your mind.

I just wanted someone to feel the same way I felt about them. Like I said, I have a lot of love to give. To a person who is willing to reciprocate that love back.

Her Prince Charming was a facade... a hoax. What she thought was too good to be true, actually was, and for that, she is completely heartbroken.

I Don't Know

I just erased perhaps the longest blog post I'd ever taken the time to sit down and think about. It was about a break up. Realizing that I had probably invested too much time in it, I just highlighted and deleted for the simple fact that I just don't think anyone in their right mind would have wanted to read that.
Plus, it's immature to do that. Trash talk the person that dumped you. Well, in my defense, I didn't really 'trash talk' him, it was just filled with a lot of sarcastic remarks and commentaries on what actually happened. I would never call someone I cared about names and whatnot.
I was just blindsided is all, wasn't expecting it. And I guess that's the best way to go out, but still, not the most fun.
What I am most curious about, is how long would he have waited to say something? Because I brought up the fact that things felt different, and then, minutes later, bam!
So, it really was surprising.
Still going through a miniatuer rollercoaster of emotions: sadness to frustration to anger back to sadness.
I think the only truth that came out though was the fact that he didn't wait until later to tell me and wasted my time. Having said that, he still waited to tell me in the first place, in turn, wasting my time anyway. But whatever.
I get it. I know what he's trying to do, and I can respect how he feels, but it's upsetting because you go through your head everything he said and did just days ago, and wonder how feelings can change so suddenly.
But, I guess you just pick yourself up, and move on.
The worst things to happen after a break-up are the awkward situations with their friends, and the I-Told-You-So people. So, if you read this and are one of those people, spare me. I don't want to hear it.
Nothing more to really say, I guess.

Ready or Not...

And I'm not. Sadly. Classes begin tomorrow. I already feel like I'm behind. Just with desk stuff and the fact that I'm running out of money, my room is a mess, and I haven't gotten my RIFs out yet. Poop. I need to get my shit together.

New favorite song: Rob Thomas - Her Diamonds

Dunno, it's catchy and I like it. I got my nails done the other day, it was nice to do something for myself. I wanted to do something wild and crazy, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. However, it is supposed to rain tomorrow, great chance to have a little fun. I love the rain. Just standing out there and letting it fall. I like it best in the summer, it's just too cold in the winter. Plus, pneumonia is no fun.
So, my sister is a ZTA and I'm so happy for her! She really likes her sorority, I hope she enjoys her time in college. I'm excited for her.

So, I've pretty much fallen for Jamie. It's official. Haha. Even thinking about him makes me smile. He seems like he actually cares.

So, I'm tired. Maybe a longer post next time.

Busy-Ness

Goodness, I have been so busy today. I like meeting my new IAs though. I love also meeting my new residents. I learn something new about them everyday. And they are so diverse. I like that. They all come from different backgrounds and different lifestyles, and to see them come together and live together is nice to see. I hope I can make friends with a lot of my residents. I always have the same goal every year as an RA, and that is to make an impact in someone's life this year. Whether it be help them or just be there as a friend, I want to make someone's stay here even better than they expected. I know Hull is a little rundown, but it is a great place to live. I like it a lot better than where I lived last year.



The bell tower is something to get used to, but I think it might be a good thing. I might need a 7 am wake-up call every morning to keep me from being lazy. Haha.

Nothing more really to say right now. Other than I am happy with Jamie right now. Things are going well, I hope. As far as I know, they are. Haha. I just wish maybe he'd open up to me more about how he's feeling. But he's a guy and I understand that. And I'm a girl and I like to talk. So, no big.

That's really all I got. Later.

Mmmm....Coffee

So, I have just discovered Coffee. I have never been a coffee drinker, I never liked the taste. It is amazing what two spoonfuls of sugar and some milk will do. I have to stay awake until 4 am working the desk. It is currently 2:35 am. I think I'm all set. :) Thank you Jen Kay.

However, I am stressing a bit. I only have a handful of workers to staff the desk. The desk needs to be staffed 24/7. This isn't cutting it. I need to complete my desk schedule for this week and the semester. It sucks that I don't have enough people to work. Like tomorrow, I have an open shift and I would step up and take it, but I am on duty as an RA. I can't be at the desk when I'm on duty. It's just not happening. So, I need someone to cover it. Desperately. Stress has consumed me, officially.

Song that is stuck in my head: Jordin Sparks-Battlefield. I hate that she had to rip off Pat Benetar.
Which brings me to today's rant. R&B artists and rappers need to stop sampling other artist's music. Right, it's the best form of flattery, but COME ON! Get your own stuff. I'm tired of listening on the radio and thinking I'm hearing one song, and then some artist jumps in with his/her stupid lyrics. Surely there are combinations of beats and rhythms that you can come up with.

So, I just finished watching The Ugly Truth. I liked it a lot. It was obviously transparent as far as the plot goes, but the comedy was good. Plus, Gerard Butler is a good-looking actor. He has a good voice, too. He was great as the phantom in Phantom of the Opera. And then there is 300, which was a whole new reason to love him.

I think a struggle I will face this year as an RA is being understanding and patient. I hit it off great with my residents that moved in today, but I already get a letter under my door saying to fix something ASAP. Like you're barking an order at me. I may be reading too much into it, but seriously, I HATE attitude. I am here to help my residents, I am here as a resource and as a friend. But I also have to enforce rules and policy, and when people don't like that, they get attitudes. I don't do well with attitudes. I've never been in a fight or anything like that thankfully, but I have been in confrontations before, and i hate them. I'm a nice person, it just sucks that people can be so demanding and inconsiderate of others.

Love: So, my love life is going well right about now. I am happy. Just coasting along. For the first time, I don't think I'm going to get all worked up and overthink things. I mean, I'll try not to. But he's such a chill guy, and I know me. Used to constantly seeing that someone and constant reassurance and attention. But I don't want to be that girlfriend. She sounds so needy. And I just want to feel confident and like I don't need anyone. Not to be an extreme feminist here, but I shouldn't NEED anyone. I should WANT them. And I know I want him right now. I just don't want to get to the point where I rely on him and actually feel like I need him around, like I did in past relationships. Are you following?

And a part of that occasional insecurity, comes a little jealousy, for lack of a better word. He is a great guy, and I know he has a lot of friends. Some being female. Which will get to me a little. Nothing to where I don't trust him. I mean, as much as I can trust right now, I do trust him. But, I try to reassure myself. Talk myself out of thinking that way. Like say "Who is he with now?" "Who is he seeing constantly?" and "Who does he seem to want to be with all the time?" and when I answer all those as me, I can renew my mind and move on. So, it doesn't last long, and I hope I can get rid of it altogether. Plus, I have male friends. Which gives me no right to have a problem with him having female friends and I get that.

I also feel some of my quirks and weirdness coming out. Haha. I try to mask it, but I can't. I'm a bit clumsy, say weird things, and make weird noises (apparently). I just get a little nervous everytime I do something stupid. "What's he thinking?"

Wow. I do think. WAY TOO MUCH. I think it's the coffee right now. But anyway, I'm still at the phase where I really watch what I do and say and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I'm not really hiding who I am, just letting the crazy out in little doses. Haha. But I feel if I get too comfortable, a relationship gets dull. It loses a bit of passion, curiosity, and mystery. And it is way too early to even get comfortable like that. I mean, I bought this 500 date ideas book. Pretty desperate and pathetic some think, but I think of it as a resource. I'm not the most creative mind on the planet and sometimes a date "off the beaten path" might be an excellent way to get to know someone or discover a different part of them.

But back to what I was saying originally (way off topic there). I just want to take it easy. See where it goes. I'm falling. I didn't expect to, but I am and I am happy right now. He makes me happy. And I hope he's happy spending time with me.

Good Grief Charlie Brown

So, this week has been so hectic. I had my first SRA meeting. That was long. There is a lot to this position that I didn't realize; I am ready for it though. I sat down with my RAs and explained the desk to them, but I get to pick my IAs soon. It'll be like the NFL Draft haha. I do like my job and I have a lot of ideas for programming and whatnot, but I don't want to get overloaded or get behind.

So, as much as I want to go on and on about RA stuff, I have something else on my mind right now. I really just can't help but fall for this new guy. I guess he isn't very new anymore, but it's only been a week and I feel like I've been with him forever. But I can already feel it getting dry. Not that it's him, or me, it's just we're both tired and running out of stuff to do/talk about. I think we might be spending a little too much time together. I mean, I see him during the day for training, and then we hang out most evenings. We're just running out of ideas. I'm just running out of ideas. I care for him. I do. But I don't know if I let myself get to where I wanted.

I know that's completely vague and complex, but I wanted to get to a place where I was completely 100% comfortable with myself. Confident in myself. But I already feel myself looking to him for that reassurance and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't do that, and he shouldn't have to reassure me about who I am and what I have to offer. I know I offer good things to a relationship, but sometimes it boggles me why he wants to be with me.

He's great. He does everything right, but I can't seem to be satisfied. Mostly it's dissatisfaction with myself. I am always overthinking and analyzing everything he does. "What does that mean?" or "What did he mean by that?"

And I psych myself into thinking that he doesn't care when I really think he does. But it also goes back to a trust issue too. Even though I broke up with Stephen, I still don't know if I should trust him 100%. I'm scared to show him the real me. He already sees how I am when I'm happy, and pretty chill. But what is he going to do when things go wrong and I'm no longer keeping his attention?

One of my biggest fears when I get to dating or showing interest in a guy, is that when he finds one or two things he doesn't like, he runs for the hills. It's shallow, but it happens. And I don't want it to happen to me. I know I don't have a perfect body, I'm clumsy, I'm loud, sometimes I say things before I think, and I have somewhat of a short fuse. All of which, are faults of mine.

Sorry this blog has become more of a diary, but it was just on my mind. I want to take it slow, but I feel like I can't control it. It's taking off. And a part of me wants it to, throw my inhibitions to the wind and dive in. But, I am torn.