Good Grief Charlie Brown

So, this week has been so hectic. I had my first SRA meeting. That was long. There is a lot to this position that I didn't realize; I am ready for it though. I sat down with my RAs and explained the desk to them, but I get to pick my IAs soon. It'll be like the NFL Draft haha. I do like my job and I have a lot of ideas for programming and whatnot, but I don't want to get overloaded or get behind.

So, as much as I want to go on and on about RA stuff, I have something else on my mind right now. I really just can't help but fall for this new guy. I guess he isn't very new anymore, but it's only been a week and I feel like I've been with him forever. But I can already feel it getting dry. Not that it's him, or me, it's just we're both tired and running out of stuff to do/talk about. I think we might be spending a little too much time together. I mean, I see him during the day for training, and then we hang out most evenings. We're just running out of ideas. I'm just running out of ideas. I care for him. I do. But I don't know if I let myself get to where I wanted.

I know that's completely vague and complex, but I wanted to get to a place where I was completely 100% comfortable with myself. Confident in myself. But I already feel myself looking to him for that reassurance and I don't want to do that. I shouldn't do that, and he shouldn't have to reassure me about who I am and what I have to offer. I know I offer good things to a relationship, but sometimes it boggles me why he wants to be with me.

He's great. He does everything right, but I can't seem to be satisfied. Mostly it's dissatisfaction with myself. I am always overthinking and analyzing everything he does. "What does that mean?" or "What did he mean by that?"

And I psych myself into thinking that he doesn't care when I really think he does. But it also goes back to a trust issue too. Even though I broke up with Stephen, I still don't know if I should trust him 100%. I'm scared to show him the real me. He already sees how I am when I'm happy, and pretty chill. But what is he going to do when things go wrong and I'm no longer keeping his attention?

One of my biggest fears when I get to dating or showing interest in a guy, is that when he finds one or two things he doesn't like, he runs for the hills. It's shallow, but it happens. And I don't want it to happen to me. I know I don't have a perfect body, I'm clumsy, I'm loud, sometimes I say things before I think, and I have somewhat of a short fuse. All of which, are faults of mine.

Sorry this blog has become more of a diary, but it was just on my mind. I want to take it slow, but I feel like I can't control it. It's taking off. And a part of me wants it to, throw my inhibitions to the wind and dive in. But, I am torn.